Breaking News From Canada!

CANADIANS SET TO BUILD HUGE FENCE TO KEEP LIBERALS OUT!

From The Manitoba Herald, Canada--by Clive Runnels

Manitoba -- The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.  The recent actions of the TEA Party are prompting an exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck.  Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota.  "The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.  He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken.  When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them.  He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields.  "Not real effective," he said.  "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much that they wouldn't give any milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves.  "A lot of those people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said.  "I found one carload without a single bottle of imported drinking water.  They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives.  Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer, watch NASCAR races and learn to shoot guns.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious way of crossing the border.  Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs.  After catching a half dozen young vegans in powdered wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed seniors about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove they were alive in the '50s.  "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian Citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and are renting all the Michael Moore movies.  "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said.  "How many art-history majors does one country need?"

Strange News From Dallas

(From the Dallas Morning News)


Dallas, TX (AP) - A seven year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.  The boy, Joseph Luna, has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge, Arthur Wingate, initially awarded custody to his aunt, Martha Luna, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree reasonably possible.


The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.  When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.


After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.


After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys professional football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

A Political Smear Speech

I don't remember where I got this or to whom I should credit it. But it seems appropriate at this time in our present political atmosphere.

At times, in answering people who suggest that politicians should tell the truth, I point out that the truth might get them into more trouble than they need as in the 1998 movie "Bulworth" where Warren Beatty performs as the President and decides to tell the absolute truth, no matter what. It shows what blunt honesty will do.

At any rate, this is a political smear speech written some time ago by someone? other than myself, but seems right for our times. If you need to get out a dictionary for a few words . . . that's great . . . have at it. It's the positive truth portrayed as a negative. Check it out.

Political Smear Speech

My fellow citizens, it is an honor and a pleasure to be here today. Now, when I embarked on this political campaign I hoped it could be conducted on a high level, and that my opponent would be willing to stick to the issues. Instead . . . unfortunately, he has decided to be tractable, and to indulge in unequivocal language, to eschew the use of outright lies in his speeches and even to make repeated veracious statements about me.

Now, at first, I tried to ignore these scrupulous, unvarnished fidelities, but I will do so no longer. If my opponent wants a fight, he's gonna get a fight!

Now, it might be instructive to start with his background. My friends, have you ever accidentally dislodged a rock on the ground and seen what is underneath? As for my opponent, his background is dissimilar. All the slime and filth and corruption you could imagine, even in your wildest dreams, are glaringly nonexistent in this man's life. Even during his childhood.

And since the subject came up, let us take a quick look at his childhood! It is a known fact that on a number of occasions, he emulated older boys on a certain playground. It is also known that his parents not only permitted him to masticate excessively, but even urged him to do so.

This man, who poses as a paragon of virtue, exacerbated his own sister when they were teenagers. I ask you my fellow Americans, is this the kind of person we want in public office? To set an example for our youth?

Let us consider some of the other members of his family. My opponent's second cousin is a practicing monogamist! His Uncle was a flagrant heterosexual. His sister, who has always been obsessed with sex, once worked as a proselyte outside a church. And, his younger brother wrote an essay extolling the virtues of being a Homo sapien. And his great Aunt? Well, his great Aunt expired of a degenerative disease. His nephew subscribes to several phono graphic magazines! His wife was a thespian before they were married, and had even performed that act in front of paying customers. His own mother had to resign from a women's organization in her later years because she was an admitted sexagenarian.

Now, what shall I say about this man himself? I can tell you in the solemn truth, that he has perambulated his infant on the street, he has practiced nepotism with his Uncle and first cousin. And, he has attempted to interest a thirteen year old girl in philately.

This man participated in a seance in a private residence where among other odd goings on, there was incense. An, he has openly advocated social intercourse in mixed company, and has taken part in such gatherings himself.

He had been deliberately averse to crime in our streets! He has urged our Protestant and Jewish citizens to develop more catholic tastes, and last summer he committed a piscatorial act while aboard a boat flying the American Flag.

Now, I beg you my friends . . . oppose this man whose life, work and ideas are so openly and avowably compatible with our American way of life. A vote for him would be a vote for the perpetuation of everything we hold dear. The facts are clear! the record speaks for itself.

Why Men Can't Win!

You may not all agree, but please think about it. That's all I ask.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore

What in Hell did you expect?

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: "So, how are things in Hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

"What!" God exclaims: "You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake -- he should never have been sent to Hell... send him to me."

"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!"

God insists: "Send him back or I’ll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"

The Final Verdict:

The American Medical Association has weighed in on National Health Insurance.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

My "New Year's" Tradition:

(This is a little late for this year, but you can try it anytime of year. Save it for your New Year's Party next year!)

It has long been a tradition among many groups to serve Black Eyed Peas on New Years Day for good luck. My first thought was, “Why didn’t they make Porter House Steak a good luck tradition for New Years?”

The lowly Black Eyed Pea has too little taste . . . to MY taste. But, here we set looking at a pot of Black Eyed Peas wondering, “What to do, what to do?”

Well, here’s what I did.

Snowyowl's Hoppin’ John

1 ½ cup- Chopped Onion
1 ½ cup-Chopped Ham
1 Tbsp-Olive Oil
2 15oz. Cans-Black eyed peas, keep ¾cup of liquid
4Tbsp-Salsa Snowyowl(Can be found at:
www.swoopsfromsnowyowl.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2009-09-22T12%3A38%3A00-07%3A00&max-results=7 On the September 18th, 2009 post)
7 oz-Hominy, drained
2 oz-Pimientos, undrained
2.5 oz-Sliced Ripe Olives, drained
3/4 cup- Sliced Mushrooms


In a large skillet, cook onion, and ham in oil for 3 minutes on medium heat. Drain Blackeye peas and retain ¾ cup liquid. Add blackeye peas and retained liquid, Salsa Snowyowl(Posted Previously), hominy, mushrooms, pimientos and liquid and olives to ham mixture. Stir to combine, over heat. Heat to simmer.

In my ‘fridge, I have two special “Condiments” that I use other than the standard stuff. One is Blueberries and the other is Chopped Onions. I have found that whatever I can’t improve the flavor of with Onions, I can with Blueberries. In this instance, use those Chopped Onions on top of the finished product when served. Might wanna sprinkle a little cheese too. It’s up to you.

As in most of this type of recipe, this is gonna taste much better tomorrow than it does today. If you can do it a day or so ahead of time and keep your hands off of it, then let it “marinate,” or as my grandmother always said, “Let it Fester,” it well taste even better.

'Twas the Night of Thanksgiving . . .

Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods he came flying, chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn’t too merry,
Because a bimbo’s phone number she found on his blackberry.

He’d been cheating on poor little Elin,
And as each day went by another whore came out a squealin'.
He’d been on Holly, on Jaimee, on Rachel, on Cori,
On Joselyn, and Kalika, TMZ had the story.

From the top of the world to above the fold,
Tiger’s ever more sordid tale, it was told.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
And when he wasn’t hosing them, he sent them hot texts.

He crashed his Caddy, but didn’t call OnStar,
Yet he played “spank me daddy” with a skanky old porn star.
He’s been naughty, so with Santa he hasn’t a chance,
Except the big lump of coal like the lump in his pants.

But despite all his crying and begging and a pleadin',
Tiger’s wife went right out, bought a new home in Sweden.
And I heard her exclaim as she packed up the Escalade,
If you’re going to get laid, then I’m going to get paid.

Now she’s not pouting, in fact she’s of good cheer,
Because her prenup made Christmas come early this year.

"The Christians and the Pagans"

By Dar Williams

Amber called her Uncle, said “We’re up here for the holiday,
Jane and I were having Solstice, and we need a place to stay.”
And her Christ-loving Uncle watched his wife hang Mary on a tree,
He watched his son hang candy canes all made with red dye number three
He told his niece, “It’s Christmas eve, I know our life is not your style.”
She said, “Christmas is like Solstice, and we miss you and it’s been awhile.”

So the Christians and the Pagans sat together at the table
Finding faith and common ground the best that they were able
And just before the meal was served, hands were held and prayers were said
Sending hope for peace on earth to all their Gods and goddesses.

The food was great, the tree plugged in, the meal had gone without a hitch
Till Timmy turned to Amber and said, “Is it true that you’re a witch?”
His mom jumped up and said, “The pies are burning,” and she hit the kitchen
And it was Jane who spoke and said, “It’s true, your cousin’s not a Christian”
“But we love trees we love the snow, the friends we have, the world we share
And you find magic from your God, and we find magic everywhere”

So the Christians and the Pagans sat together at the table
Finding faith and common ground the best that they were able
And where does magic come from, I think magic’s in the learning
Cause now when Christians sit with Pagans only pumpkin pies are burning.

When Amber tried to do the dishes, her Aunt said, “Really, no, don’t bother”
Amber’s Uncle saw how Amber looked like Tim and a lot like her Father
He thought about his brother, how they hadn’t spoken in a year
He thought he’d call him up and say, “It’s Xmas and your daughter’s here”
He thought of fathers, sons and brothers, saw his own son tug his sleeve
Saying, “Can I be a Pagan?” Dad said, “We’ll discuss it when they leave”

So the Christians and the Pagans sat together at the table
Finding faith and common ground the best that they were able
Lighting trees in darkness, learning new ways from the old,
And making sense of history and drawing warmth out of the cold.

Puns and Plays on Words for Educated Minds . . .

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in hiswork.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it..

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on ahead.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at-large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

Just some thoughts . . .

* Don't handicap your children by making their lives too easy!

* Do everything in Excess. To enjoy the flavor of life take big bites. Moderation is for monks.

* Fake Fortune Tellers will be tolerated. But, if you claim to be an authentic Soothsayer, you will be shot on sight.

* Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end . . . the faster it goes.

* Listen to the experts. They'll tell you what can't be done and why. Then just go do it.

* There is no conclusive evidence of life after death. But, there is no evidence of any sort against it either. Soon enough you'll know for sure. So why fret about it now?

* The Pope is fallible. The planet is fillable. Promote Birth Control.

The Local Nativity Scene . . .

In a small southern town, somewhat like the one I live in, there was a nativity scene, almost like the one where I live. It was a large one covering some 50 feet or so. But, one small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen’s helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I went across the street to the local E-Z Mart, and once again, somewhat like where I live. I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You dern furiners never do read the Bible!”

I assured her that I had, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage.

Sticking it in my face she said, “See, it says rot cheer, ‘The tree wise men come from afar.’”

The Mensa Invitational . . .

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational, which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

The winners are:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.

(The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.)

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

(This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

==========================================

The Washington Post also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.


The winners are:

1. coffee, n. the person upon whom one coughs.

2. flabbergasted, adj. appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. abdicate, v. to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade, v. to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. willy-nilly, adj. impotent.

6. negligent, adj. absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. lymph, v. to walk with a lisp.

Back in 1995 Hillary Clinton goes in for her yearly checkup. When she's finished, she asks the gynecologist how things look. He says things looks fine and that she is in great shape, but she's pregnant!

She tells the doctor "no way," but he says that she's most definitely a month pregnant. She storms out of the office, goes to the receptionist's desk, takes the phone and calls the White House. When the operator answers she says that it's Hillary and that she needs to talk to Bill right away.

They ring the oval office, Bill answers, and Hillary says: "I can't believe it! I'm pregnant! You got me pregnant!!"

The President remains silent. Again, Hillary screams, "I'M PREGNANT! YOU IDIOT! YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!!"

Finally Bill asks, "Who is this???"

What Some Women Think . . .

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. Erica Jong

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours. Rita Rudner

I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job.Roseanne

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. Rita Rudner

I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horse back riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. Susie Loucks

This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" Judy Tenuta

He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant. Carol Leifer

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. Wendy Liebman

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. Erma Bombeck

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. Sue Grafton

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. Roseanne

I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair undermy arms instead. Sue Kolinsky

I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park. Dolly Parton

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT? Wendy Liebman

I think-therefore I'm single. Lizz Winstead

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." Elayne Boosler

The Government Can't Do Anything Right!

Here's a little essay (author unknown to me) to send to conservative friends who like to repeat the popular right wing talking point that public health insurance is "socialist" and that "the government can't do anything right"...


This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by socialist electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the US Department of Energy. I then took a shower in the socialist clean water provided by the municipal water utility. After that, I turned on the socialist radio to one of the FCC regulated channels to hear what the socialist National Weather Service of the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration determined the weather was going to be like using socialist satellites designed, built, and launched by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration. I watched this while eating my breakfast of socialist US Department of Agriculture inspected food and taking the socialist drugs which have been determined as safe by the Food and Drug Administration.

At the appropriate time, as kept accurate by the socialist National Institute of Standards and Technology and the US Naval Observatory, I get into my socialist National Highway Traffic Safety Administration approved automobile and set out to work on the socialist roads build by the socialist local, state, and federal departments of transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the socialist Environmental Protection Agency, using socialist legal tender issued by the Federal Reserve Bank. On the way out the door, I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the socialist US Postal Service and drop the kids off at the socialist public school.

If I get lost, I can use my socialist GPS navigation technology developed by the United States Department of Defense and made available to the public in 1996 by President Bill Clinton who issued a policy directive declaring socialist GPS to be a dual-use military/civilian system to be managed as a national socialist asset.

After spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the socialist workplace regulations imposed by the Department of Labor and the Occupational Safety and Health Administration, enjoying another two meals which again do not kill me because of the socialist USDA, I drive my socialist NHTSA car back home on the socialist DOT roads, to my house which has not burned down in my absence because of the socialist state and local building codes and socialist fire marshal's inspection, and which has not been plundered of all its valuables thanks to the socialist local police department.

I then get on my computer and use the socialist Internet which was developed by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Administration and browse the socialist World Wide Web using my graphical web browser, both made possible by Al Gore's socialist High Performance Computing and Communication Act of 1991.

I then post on freerepublic.com and fox news forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can't do anything right.

A New Vocabulary to Learn . . .

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize . . . it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as an Arky.

Bozone: The substance surrounding stupid people, which stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Cashtration: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who does not get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenarate disease

Karmageddon: Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it is like a serious bummer.

Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you have accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into our bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor: the color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you are eating.

Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.

On English . . .(From the Net)

You think English is easy???

Read to the end . . .

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10)I did not object to the object.
11)The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12)There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row...
13)They were too close to the door to close it.
14)The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15)A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16)To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17)The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18)Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19)I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20)How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger;

neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

******************

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this;
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses... To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP. To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP ... When the sun comes out we say it is clearingUP ...

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........it is time to shut UP !

Oh . . . one more thing:

What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night?

U-P!

Recipe for Salsa

Well, I've just finished making almost 15 gallons of mostly "Out of My Garden" Salsa. That ought to get me to next Summer. Many have asked for my recipe and I give it without any qualm. I don't know of any who have followed it, but here it is. By the way, if you want a sample, drop by and pick some up.

“Like so many other things in life, your opinion of a good recipe depends totally on whether you’re stirring the pot, or you’re what’s in the pot.”

Salsa "Snowyowl"
This is my system for making my Salsa "Snowyowl." I will note any shortcuts that might be taken without sacrificing quality.

Everything will be better if it is home-grown in your backyard, but if that is not possible, at least home grow the tomatoes. The best I have found are “SUPER FANTASTIC” or “CELEBRITY.” I have trouble growing onions and have found that “TEXAS 1015" or “VIDALIA” onions are best if you have to buy them.

The recipe calls for 30# of Tomatoes. What you are looking for is about 25# of skinned, cored tomatoes. To skin a tomato, blanch (Par Boil) it for approx. 2 min. then dunk it in very cold water for about 5 min. I do this with about 10 tomatoes at a time. The skin should come off with ease. Then take out the stem area along with about an inch beneath. Quarter the tomatoes and run them through the blender for about 5 sec. at high speed, but don’t over do. If you don’t grow your own tomatoes, make friends with someone who does. If you have to resort to store bought tomatoes, don’t bother, stop now. Your Salsa will be of such poor quality that you will receive a “CEASE AND DESIST” order from the Mexican Embassy.

Hand chopping onions seems to work best. Onions are too soft and “Mush” too easily in the blender or processor. I have found that a high quality 8 or 10 inch chef’s knife works best. You will note that the recipe calls for 14 cups of chopped onion. If you have more, don’t sweat it. People who eat salsa don’t usually worry about too many onions. Besides, except in pies and cakes, you can’t have “TOO MANY ONIONS.”

Home grown Jalapenos are the best. I have found that Peters 20-20-20 is the best fertilizer for both tomatoes and peppers. Remember that the first few crops of jalapenos are not as strong as those that will come in late July and August. So you might use more in the beginning and fewer as the season goes on. If you have to buy jalapeños at the store, get medium sized peppers with no more than two splits in the skin, no splits are best. Trim off the stem and about 1/16th in. below it and then cut pepper into short sections. In a small electric chopper, mince the peppers in short bursts. Usually three or four one second bursts does well, shake peppers down into the blades between bursts. It is best to work with jalapeños while wearing latex gloves. If you don’t use gloves, make sure you wash your hands several times when finished. One time will not do the job. No matter what, don’t rub your eyes, pick your nose, or if you are male, don’t go pee until you wash thoroughly. All these activities involve sensitive tissue onto which you may not wish to rub jalapeño juice.

Apple cider vinegar is best, and to me salt is salt. If you prefer “SEA SALT” or “KOSHER” salt, go for it. And, if you have nothing but “ALWAYS SAVE” salt, that is fine too. I have a friend that grows garlic, but most people have trouble growing it here. I have found that “Polander” chopped or minced garlic works fine.
Cilantro is the Mexican name for Coriander. When you go to the nursery in the early spring to buy your tomatoes, peppers, onions, and various other stuff, and they say that they don’t have cilantro, go over to the coriander and tell them that they do have it and that most people will ask for it as “Cilantro,” not coriander. The guy will think you are a smart ass, confirming what others have thought of you for years, but you will be doing the folks that follow you a favor. Cilantro is what gives Mexican food the Mexican flavor. Rub some between your thumb and index finger and you will recognize the smell and flavor. Mince the cilantro finely with the chef’s knife and make sure the stems are removed just like you do with some of your other “herbs.”

SALSA SNOWYOWL
30 Lbs. Tomatoes
14 cups Chopped Onions
7 cups Chopped Jalapeños
3 cups Vinegar
12 Tblsp. Salt
6 Tblsp. Minced Garlic
12 Tblsp. Minced Cilantro
1 CUP Corn Starch

Bring the tomatoes, jalapeños, and vinegar to a boil in a 22 quart or larger pot. Add the salt, garlic, cilantro and onions then bring to a boil again. Then simmer on low for 40 minutes, stirring as close to constantly as possible. The last thing to do is to thicken the Salsa slightly so that it sticks to your corn chips better. To do this we need to dissolve the corn starch in 15 ounces of COLD water, then add it to the still simmering Salsa and stir well for about 2 minutes. As the Salsa cools, it will get thicker and will stick to your ribs better.

Fill quart jars as per canning procedure and “Hot Bath” for 10 minutes. Put on the counter till the lids all “POP,” then let it all cool. This should make approximately 4-5 gallons of Salsa. If you need to halve it, that is not a problem. If you have some that don’t quit fill a quart jar, be thankful, break out the chips and a few beers and have a Salsa party. Otherwise fill a pint jar, go to bed and dream of what could have been. Then about 3 am, when you can’t stand it any more, get up and open the pint jar and watch the late, late, movie and eat till your tongue cries for help and your gut cries for Tums. Remember, if you are not used to the heat, you’ll get to enjoy it again in about 8-10 hours.

Now that all of the instructions are done, you will note that there are no preservatives or unpronounceable chemicals added to Salsa Snowyowl. I have assumed that you have done some canning before and have at least a passing knowledge of basic canning procedure and know of what I speak when I say, “HOT BATH.” If this sounds foreign to you, or you do not have the equipment to can, you might want to reassess this project. On the other hand, this might be something new and interesting to learn.

Early in 2000, I opened a jar of Salsa Snowyowl I had canned in 1995. It still had the same bright color and great taste of this year’s “BREW,” without any preservatives. If you don’t have canning equipment, your first batch of Salsa Snowyowl is going to cost you about $250, and if you don’t have a chef’s knife, add another $70. But after that it will just cost you time, trouble, and depending on what produce you have to purchase, the cost will be from $10 to $50 more. Also, because Tomatoes ripen in July and August, you are gong to have a very hot house for a couple of days. But what the hell, anything worth while is worth a little sacrifice, or at least that is what the cannibals told the guy in the boiling pot.

On Aging . . .

The first time it happened I found myself in shock and disbelief. Some twenty years ago in Dallas, I was getting off work at about 9PM and since dinner had been skipped, I decided to drop by a local fast food place on the way home. I looked at the menu board and chose a $4.99 meal to take home. The high-school age girl wrote it down, put it on the spinner ring and turned it to the kitchen area where it was picked up. About five minutes later it was filled and put on the counter in front of me. Then the girl said, “That will be $4.60.” I already had a five out and just wanted to know how much more the tax would be. I said, “”What?”

“Well, that’s with the tax,” She said.

“But the price is $4.99 plus the tax.”

Then she hit me smack between the eyes with something that I had dreaded all my life, “Oh, I gave you the senior citizens discount.”

That, I must say, caught me by surprise. But, since it was going to cost me less, I just thanked the girl, paid for my order, picked it up and started to leave. Just as I got to the door I did something that should never have been done. I make it a rule for myself to never ask a question to which I really don’t want the answer. But, I turned and asked, “How old do you have to be to qualify for the senior citizen’s discount?” As soon as the last word escaped my tongue I wished the question had been unasked, and in short time I certainly wished it had been unanswered.

“Sixty.” Was her quick return.

I went directly home, examined my forty six-year-old face and decided it was just that the young girl thought that everyone more than thirty was a senior citizen . . . until it happened again and then, again. I’ve always looked older than I really was but now I looked like a “Codger."

There are lots of benefits to being a “Codger,” discounts at the grocery store on certain days, discounts at various fast food places, and even on gas at some stations, but . . . I’ve never been asked to prove my eligibility for these discounts. They just look at me and I am sure in their mind they say, “Hey, no problem here.”

Now, to the perils . . . about two years ago, three of my friends and I were standing around talking when another friend walked up and asked one if he would like to go to the Eagles Club later. With an affirmative answer he went to the next, then around me to the last. With three affirmative answers he left our little group without acknowledging me. Later, I approached him and explained to him that I did not understand why I was skipped.

“I thought we were friends,” I said, “Have I done something to make you mad?”

I couldn’t have gone that night anyway but, I wasn’t even asked!

“Because of your age,” He explained, “You might not feel comfortable with the younger crowd.”

“I might be getting older, but I damn well refuse to grow up.” Was my retort. And the next time I was invited and we all had a great time.

One of the worst moments of being a “Codger” is the first time you are called “Sir” by a young girl. Recently, I’ve noticed that those “Girls” have become young ladies. I fear the day the “Ladies” become “Women” or worse “Middle aged.”

The biggest peril is in not being able to laugh at your age, and getting others to ignore it. Being a “Codger” is not all that bad, I love its benefits, but it has its perils. I’ll never forget the look on my mothers face the day I got my membership card in the AARP. I’m sure she scrambled into the bathroom to peer into the mirror. I’m also sure someday I’ll do the same thing.


FAR BETTER PLACE

As has been said about so many
And will be for ourselves I’m sure.
She’s in a far better place now
Than she’s ever been before.

We go through life a struttin’
Proud of what we’ve done.
Now here we are a strugglin’
With no place to hide or run.

Our bodies started falling apart
Oh, a long time ago.
At first we thought it would go away
We’d just have to take it slow.

Now we realize t’was the start of a process
Of which we’d only read.
Too bad at the other end
We only end up dead.

But you have to stop and cogitate
And let your mind revive.
You could get old, forgetful, and feeble
And still remain alive.

So don’t wish for yourself or others
A life so very long.
Unless you wish also for
A mind that’ll remain strong.