A Political Smear Speech

I don't remember where I got this or to whom I should credit it. But it seems appropriate at this time in our present political atmosphere.

At times, in answering people who suggest that politicians should tell the truth, I point out that the truth might get them into more trouble than they need as in the 1998 movie "Bulworth" where Warren Beatty performs as the President and decides to tell the absolute truth, no matter what. It shows what blunt honesty will do.

At any rate, this is a political smear speech written some time ago by someone? other than myself, but seems right for our times. If you need to get out a dictionary for a few words . . . that's great . . . have at it. It's the positive truth portrayed as a negative. Check it out.

Political Smear Speech

My fellow citizens, it is an honor and a pleasure to be here today. Now, when I embarked on this political campaign I hoped it could be conducted on a high level, and that my opponent would be willing to stick to the issues. Instead . . . unfortunately, he has decided to be tractable, and to indulge in unequivocal language, to eschew the use of outright lies in his speeches and even to make repeated veracious statements about me.

Now, at first, I tried to ignore these scrupulous, unvarnished fidelities, but I will do so no longer. If my opponent wants a fight, he's gonna get a fight!

Now, it might be instructive to start with his background. My friends, have you ever accidentally dislodged a rock on the ground and seen what is underneath? As for my opponent, his background is dissimilar. All the slime and filth and corruption you could imagine, even in your wildest dreams, are glaringly nonexistent in this man's life. Even during his childhood.

And since the subject came up, let us take a quick look at his childhood! It is a known fact that on a number of occasions, he emulated older boys on a certain playground. It is also known that his parents not only permitted him to masticate excessively, but even urged him to do so.

This man, who poses as a paragon of virtue, exacerbated his own sister when they were teenagers. I ask you my fellow Americans, is this the kind of person we want in public office? To set an example for our youth?

Let us consider some of the other members of his family. My opponent's second cousin is a practicing monogamist! His Uncle was a flagrant heterosexual. His sister, who has always been obsessed with sex, once worked as a proselyte outside a church. And, his younger brother wrote an essay extolling the virtues of being a Homo sapien. And his great Aunt? Well, his great Aunt expired of a degenerative disease. His nephew subscribes to several phono graphic magazines! His wife was a thespian before they were married, and had even performed that act in front of paying customers. His own mother had to resign from a women's organization in her later years because she was an admitted sexagenarian.

Now, what shall I say about this man himself? I can tell you in the solemn truth, that he has perambulated his infant on the street, he has practiced nepotism with his Uncle and first cousin. And, he has attempted to interest a thirteen year old girl in philately.

This man participated in a seance in a private residence where among other odd goings on, there was incense. An, he has openly advocated social intercourse in mixed company, and has taken part in such gatherings himself.

He had been deliberately averse to crime in our streets! He has urged our Protestant and Jewish citizens to develop more catholic tastes, and last summer he committed a piscatorial act while aboard a boat flying the American Flag.

Now, I beg you my friends . . . oppose this man whose life, work and ideas are so openly and avowably compatible with our American way of life. A vote for him would be a vote for the perpetuation of everything we hold dear. The facts are clear! the record speaks for itself.